A German, Mobster, and Mormon Go To A Bar...

A German, Mobster, and Mormon go to a bar. The German, when asked what he wants to drink, orders a Moosehead. It is at least a quart in size. The Mobster, when asked what he wants to drink, orders a scotch. The Mormon, when asked what he wants to drink, orders... water, with a lemon.

No, this is not the opening lines to a joke. This is what I experienced the past couple of weeks while on business trips.

The crew consisted of the following:

1. Al, a true-blood Italian. Born in Pittsburgh, he is the picture perfect image of a mafia hitman. Slicked black hair, short and stocky, gold and silver jewelry, and dark sunglasses. And, he chain smokes. He has had 11 heart attacks (no, this is not a joke, either) and has been shot 3 times (again, true story).
2. Warren, a true-blood German. I don't know where he was born, but he is the perfect image of a German, except for the gray hair. Tall, thin. He doesn't smoke, but speaks with a German/Southern US accent. He favors martinis, I know.
3. Cade, a true-blood Mormon. Born in Idaho, he is NOT the picture perfect image of a Mormon. He has never smoked in his life, though.

The three of us meet up in South Bend, Indiana. Al traveled from Charlotte NC and Warren traveled from Tampa FL. Our destination was Covert Michigan-- the Palisades Nuclear Station. Work went fine, but it was the after-work hours that really made the trip funny.

Wherever we went, Al wanted to know where the nearest hospital was-- and the nearest police station. No kidding. I guess he was either concerned about heart attack #12, or worried that the local police had an APB for him. Warren just wanted to know where he could get a beer. Me-- I wondered if the local town had a ward.

We ate at a small local joint on the shores of Lake Michigan. It was really good, but the really funny part came the next evening. We chose a steakhouse in Benton Harbor. To our surprise, some fellow contractors had chosen the same restaurant and were seated in the back corner. They didn't notice us-- which was a perfect prank situation for our Mobster-like compadre. The fellow contractors were 75% Chinese... literally. They had 4 people in their group, and 3 were from Taiwan. Anyway, to get a laugh out of them, Al ordered them Shirley Temples, which were delivered to their table by our waitress. Now, I have never had a Shirley Temple, but I deduced from the reaction of our group and the reaction of the Chinese that they are sissy drinks, which was confirmed when one of the group (a Taiwanese) came over to our table after finding out the order came from us and asked, "What you think we are, sissies?"

Not to be outdone, Al then ordered them each a yellow balloon before they left.

There is a lesson here to be learned. Asian culture takes these kinds of things seriously. I really believe that they were offended! I told Al that he needed to smooth things over, which he did. Lesson: never put Chinese and Italians in the same room together. You'll regret it.

Next trip: Plymouth, MA. Again, I met Al and Warren there. After being assured that the nearest hospital and police station were around the corner from our hotel, Al settled in just fine, and Warren got his alcohol buzz going. Again, work went well, but the interesting part came that evening. We met our customer-- the project managers from the Pilgrim Nuclear Station-- at a local restaurant for dinner. I'm used to finding the best value on the menu (this is a result of my cheap side), so I find a dish worth about $16, and order sparkling water (I really went out on that one). I know Westinghouse is loaded with money, but I'm still frugal. My total came to about $20 with dessert.

The final bill came to almost $300. I think that averaged about $50 a plate plus drinks and dessert for the rest of them. Here I am being frugal, and the rest of them are ordering $8 drinks on a constantly revolving order.

And, the customers got Shirley Temples from Al, each valued at $9. They took it in good humor, though.

Family Pictures

Due to the unfortunate incident on her blessing day (see prior blog entry), we decided it would be a great idea to get Amberlee all fixed up a second time and get her photos done professionally. Then, we decided it would be a good idea to get all the kids photos updated at the same time.

Of course, we had made similar decisions in the past, yet we now believe some, if not most, of these events were bad ideas. Family trips, for example, seem so good before you leave, but a person realizes during the trip that you must, in fact, be insane. Nevertheless, you continue to believe family trips are good.

If you don't believe me, check out Chrissa's facial expressions in our Kirtland trip photos. By the look on her face, you can just imagine her personality at the time.

Case in point. Family photos can (and usually are) just as challenging, and this one was no different.

Amberlee was dressed up in her blessing duds, looking like a princess. Chrissa, Ethan, and Preston got dressed up in white and green clothing. The photos were taken at Kiddie Kandid here in Cranberry.

Michelle, as you all know, worked for a professional photographer for several years, both in Utah and Idaho. So, she has an eye for this kind of thing. I worried how her natural ability to do exceptional work at the studio in which she worked would spell out at Kiddie Kandid-- a place which is nice, for sure, but certainly doesn't take the time nor has the ability to make the photos look perfect.

Michelle typically spent hours touching up photos, digitally swapping heads or body parts around, adding hair to the balding (me), etc.

Here was a potential recipe for disaster. All the ingredients for an eventful evening were in place. Trying to keep kids clean and hair combed and smiling. A studio that worked on volume rather then quality. Michelle with an eye for professionalism and perfection. And me-- a person that hates shopping because it takes too long.

The session begins. First up: the kids with Amberlee. Now, Amberlee's dress is made of some type of silky stuff. I have no idea the name of the fabric, but whatever it was, it was slippery, especially when that kind of fabric comes into contact with its own kind. This, we learned the hard way. Slip, push up. Slip, push up. Nevertheless, the women were adamant that she be placed on this same fabric as a background.

Then there was Preston-- who was actually a good boy, as long as I kept feeding him fruit snacks. The drawback was that each photo shows him in some various stage of chewing. He lasted through 90% of the family portion of the session, so that was a new record.

Ethan-- he was charming the photographers. But, he has the attention span of a goldfish, so keeping him involved was a chore in itself.

Chrissa-- she was bored, tired, rolling her eyes at everyone, struggled to smile because everything was so childish, etc. It was the typical teenager response to virtually everything.

This all continued for about 40 minutes. Michelle (and me, to some extent) spent the time running around, telling kids to sit up, "smile", don't move, "worry about yourself", say "cheese", "LOOK AT THE CAMERA!", head up, head down, sit up, sit back, move over, TOO CLOSE, stop hitting your brother, "Chrissa, think of your boyfriend", don't hit your sister, be nice! Then, it was Amberlee's turn. Slip, push up. Slip, push up. She kept smiling, though, until she got hungry and we had to do a time out.

Throughout all of this, Michelle was asking the photographers to do different poses, different shots, different angles. But, as known, I quickly wore down as the monotony continued, and I found myself copying Chrissa's facial expressions and manners. My eyes started to roll. I couldn't find a smile. It was all so childish. I think I had turned into the teenager. My "dagger eyes" were visible and ready to fire, and I was ready to leave.

After almost 2.5 hours, the heaven's opened up and we were blessed to leave the store.

Stay tuned... photos are coming. And when they do, you'll know the headache that went behind them and, maybe, come to appreciate the work that went into them.

Amberlee's Big Day (Almost)

OK, we don't yet have pictures of her in her blessing dress (see prior blog entries for clarification), but we do have a few pics of her just before it.

And, please see our slideshow "Back to Kirtland", on the right.

Ethan's Future Job

Ethan is learning what money is. He crafted himself a small piggy bank out of the old styrofoam container that we used to bring home my hot wings from the restaurant last week. And, he's been putting all the coins he can find (or steal) in it.

But, like everyone, he wanted more. "How do I get more money, dad?", he asked. "Get a job", I told him.

So, we got to talking about what he could do for work. His response was a great one.

"I want to work in Washington DC!", he said finally. "Where?", I asked. "At the place they make all the money so that I can take it home."

Smart kid, eh? Make the money, slip a coin in your pocket here and there. I supposed that this is a crime in one sense, but if you are elected to office and spend your time in Washington DC, you can do this and not get into trouble.

So, I think Ethan is going to be a politician. He is good looking, charismatic, and always has something brewing in his mind. And, he has already figured out the money situation.

Cade and Barack

Did anyone catch the look on Barack's face in the minutes before he took the Oath of Office? He was sitting in his chair looking at the floor. I think I know what he was thinking.

"Holy crap. All these years I kept telling people that I would be the best president ever. I told everyone that I was their man. And, they believed me! Now what do I do?"

I think I share this feeling with him. For years, I kept telling people (employers) that I have all the ability to be their best project manager. Now I have the job, and I'm the one sitting here looking at the floor saying to myself, "Whoa. They believed me. Now what am I going to do?"

I just got back from Michigan after 3 days of "talks" with the guys at the Palisades nuke plant. It was alright. I mean, it was a small room clear full of engineers... how "good" could it be? I could feel the IQ being sucked from me. Anyway, I arrived trying to NOT looked confused, and left there feeling less confused (fortunately). But, still very overwhelmed.

I now know what it is like to be fed from a fire hose.

Back to Kirtland

We made our way back to Kirtland Ohio yesterday. It was my (Cade) second time, but the rest of the family's first time there. The weather was great-- about 50 degrees, little bit of a breeze. We woke up to this and decided it was time to go sightseeing.

The drive is about 2 hours from our home. Mostly toll roads, but all in all worth it.

Our first stop was the Kirtland Temple. For all you Mormons out there, this is not owned by our church. It is owned by the Church of Christ, even though the temple still says "Latter Day Saints" on the outside. I was tempted to evoke this fact and say I was there to reclaim my heritage. But, I didn't. Still, they charge $2 per person to tour the place, saying this is to help "restore" the building. Yet, inside, you notice that the restoration isn't really great.

The temple tour was a bit better than the last time I was there. The tour lady actually stated some of the things that happened there. Our kids were semi-good. They didn't care too much about it, and screamed when they tried to use the original handrail going up and down the stairs. We got some pictures... I'll post them later.

After, we went to the historic part that our church DOES own. Much better. Here, our kids kinda fell apart on us. First, Amberlee had 2 blow-outs in the 1.5 hours we were there. Second, Preston seemed to think that the Newel K. Whitney store was his own, and made a habit of running under the ropes into parts that were supposed to be off-limits. And, in the School of the Prophets, he thought it was fun to run up and down the benches and pull the curtains off the windows. I thought for sure we'd be banned from the place. Ethan was a good boy... not too bad, but still very antsy and wanted very much to go where he shouldn't. Chrissa, however, was the typical teenager. She did NOT want to go with us. She did NOT want to see Kirtland. She did NOT care what I thought. All very dramatic. We got some great pictures of her glaring at us and rolling her eyes. I'll post them later, too.

But, our tour guides were great. Ironically, they were the same ones that gave us the tour when I was there with mom/dad during Thanksgiving. They even invited us over for beef stew afterwards, which we declined citing the late hours of getting home.

And, the tour of the historic parts of Kirtland, church-owned, are free. No $2 cover charge.

We learned that the church had purchased additional property near the temple that, they believe, had some important significance at the time. They plan to search into it some more and, if found to be true, plan to restore it as well. If not, they will re-sell it.

We were also lucky to see an exhibit in the upper levels of the visitor's center. They had a bronze sculpture exhibit that some artist had done of various biblical stories related to Christ. They were extremely good.

If anyone is interested, this exhibit is over in May sometime. So, come on down!

Here is the link to historic Kirtland: http://www.visithistorickirtland.org/

Thumb Drives

I am like a thumb drive. You know-- those small plastic things you plug into the computer to download your files to. Here is why...

About 2 weeks ago, the boss somehow decided that my new-hire training was over. Time to get busy. So, he stopped in my office. Here is what was said.

Boss: Cade, do you want to go to Sweden for 3 months?
Cade: What? **Thinking it is a joke, I smile and pretend to play along.**
Boss: We need someone in Sweden for 3 months to help them get their project management office in order. Are you interested? You'll need to leave in 2 weeks.
Cade: Ummm... I don't know. When do you need to know?
Boss: By noon. Let me know. Here is some light reading on the issue.

Boss them proceeds to dump some stuff on my desk. I accept it, as all good thumb drives do.

The time was 10AM. I had 2 hours to talk with Michelle and devise a plan on how to respond. Thankfully, he later told me that he asked others, too, if they wanted to go. He didn't want me to feel left out, but understood if I couldn't go because I just moved to Pennsylvania only 2 months prior and still had little kids in school.

Crisis averted.

Two days later...

Boss: Cade, come see my in my office...(I follow him to his office)... I'm revising your tasks. I need you to get up to speed really quickly on the Palisades MSR upgrades. You'll need to go to Michigan next week to prepare the offer.
Cade: MSRs? Oh, sure, you've got to have one of those. **Thinking to myself-- what the heck are MSRs?**
Boss: If the work is going to take up more then 50% of your time, let me know, because you will also be working on the Point Beach SG Mods and the FWH replacements at Pilgrim and Fitzpatrick.
Cade: Oh, sure, FWHs... you've got to have one of those. And, SG Mods are great! I love SG Mods. **More thoughts-- did I make a good career move? I have NO idea what he is talking about.**
Boss: I'm not sure what they are, but find out and let me know.

I then get a stack of stuff to read, and I accept it, as all good thumb drives do.

Next day...

Boss: Cade, meet John, the project manager you will be taking over from.
John: Cade, here is the project plan for the Pilgrim, Palisades, and Fitzpatrick MSR and FWH replacements. Let me know if you have questions.
Cade: Oh sure, MSRs and FWHs... a man's got to have good sets of those. **Still clueless.**

Another stack of information is dropped on my desk, and I accept it, as all good thumb drives do.

So, next week I am off to Michigan for a couple of days, then to Massachusetts (which is where Pilgrim is located) for a day or two the week after. I'm off to learn what MSRs and FWHs are.

By the way, Pilgrim, Fitzpatrick, Point Beach, and Palisades are all commercial nuclear power plants.

There is an upside to all of this. As the acronyms fly, I can also clearly see the look on other's faces, too. They, too, don't know what half of the stuff is. In fact, when I ask someone else, I'm fairly certain that they won't know what it is either. I think it might be time for me to start injecting my own made-up acronyms into the conversation to see how many nods I get.

Amberlee's Blessing

Amberlee was blessed today in church. She was so cute! Michelle bought her a white dress with beads and bows. She looked like a little person on her way to a wedding. She had a big white bow in her hair, too.

The blessing went off without a hitch. Little did anyone there know it, but I had my Blackberry on at the time, and on the other line were my parents, listening in. They recorded the blessing and sent me a write-up. Mom/dad, I'll grade your paper later.

If anyone wants to read it, let me know and I'll email you a copy.

The best part was just before the blessing started. I had nearly the entire Elder's quorum there, including the bishopric. As we formed our circle, Amberlee could sense something was up. The blessing started, but I watched her as I spoke, and her eyes went to each person there and then fixed on me. She stayed looking at me the entire prayer. Those big blue eyes never left me.

As we sat down and I handed her back to Michelle, Amberlee decided to honk in her diaper. Not an empty honk, either. This one had substance. Up her back went the poo. Through her one-sie went the poo. We rushed her out the door to change her.

This is not an usual occurance for her. I'd bet 90% of her doo-doos end in some portion of it making the U-turn and shooting up the back. We don't really have any clothes for her that don't have a yellow-ish stain at that location on the back.

So, after a grand performance, she ended it with a "bang". Now, to add to her collection of yellow-stained attire, we add her blessing dress.

We planned to take photos of her in it, but now those will have to wait till we can get the dressed cleaned. Michelle has a photographer planned to take some photos of her in it, so once those happen, we can get them out to whomever wants one.

In the mean time, there is an idea for anyone looking for a business idea. "Baby Crack Spackle"... something that will take those off-shoots of the "diaper honks" and redirect them to where they need to go, instead of up the back and all over everything.

We are just glad this didn't happen during the blessing. I'm certain the Elder's would have gotten their hands full.

Steeler Mania

We went to Walmart yesterday. We estimated that 75% of the people there had some form of Steeler-ware on. Not just a shirt or a pin, but most of them were completely decked out. Shoes, shirts/sweaters, hats, scarfs, pins, etc. Walmart appeared to be the official Steeler headquarters... Steeler coats, hats, "Terrible Towels", shirts, sweaters, pajamas, mugs. Everything. They made gold and black cakes, cookies, donuts, pies. A huge balloon Steeler was pumped up and in the air. Balloons were being sold. It was amazing.

It doesn't stop there.

At school, Chrissa and Ethan's teachers were playing Steeler songs during class. Ethan had coloring sheets that were Steeler helmets and players. Teachers and principles were wearing Steeler jerseys.

At church today, probably 25% of the members had pins, ties, etc, on that had something to do with the Steelers. One lady even dropped the usual attire and went all out with a Steeler T-shirt.

This place is obsessed with them. It is all fun, though. We just don't yet have anything to match.

I imagine if/when they win the Super Bowl today, the craziness is going to get a lot crazier. I'm not sure if that is possible. But, I'm also sure that there is a whole lot that is not "Steeler-ized" yet that I haven't realized. Who knows what can be decorated gold and black?

So, if anyone wants something Steeler-related, let me know. My mark-up is only 15%.