Real(tor) Lies

Realtors can make hell sound like the Hilton.

We found the "document" that supposedly was used to sell our current home to us.  I guess it worked, despite the lies found throughout.  Examples:

• Exterior Front: Beautiful 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house conveniently located 5 minutes from I-79, I-76, Rt. 19, and Rt. 228, the new Westinghouse headquarters, shopping, restaurants...  TRANSLATION: we won't mention what the house REALLY looks like on the outside, and we're pretty sure the color used to paint the exterior was called "Salmon Nilla" or "Silly Putty Pink".

• Kitchen: enjoy preparing meals in the huge kitchen with beautiful hardwood floors, granite counter tops, new paint, double pantry... TRANSLATION: If you can stomach yourself past the grime-caked oven fan or the fly infested overhead fluorescent light, you will easily see past the cabinets that are barely hanging on to their hinges.  But, the granite makes up for it, eh?

• Den/Family/Great Room: open floor plan with a lot of natural light... gas corner fireplace with decorative shelf.  TRANSLATION: the builder was too cheap to put in ceiling lights, so be sure to bring your own floor lamps, else the only light you get will be through the windows... in the daytime.  And, the gas fireplace doesn't really work, and the decorative shelf is really just a piece of wood spray painted with a faux rock finish.  Yow-zah!

• Living Room: can be a den, with natural decor.  TRANSLATION: there is no decor.  Its "natural" because we left it alone after the primer was applied.

• Exterior Front (with a picture of our master bedroom... not sure how that happened): huge master suite with double windows, cathedral ceiling, and his and her walking closets (though I think the realtor meant "walk-in" closets).  TRANSLATION: using the same "Salmon Nilla" or "Silly Putty Pink" motif, the bedroom will make you gag, especially after you realize that the walls, trim, and even the doors are all painted the same color!  

• Exterior Back: great level back yard!  TRANSLATION: you have about 20 feet of "flat", then its all uphill from there.  Good luck with the mower!  And, oh yeah... the weed infested grass is really just our way of stating that the yard is part of that "natural decor" look we've been going with throughout the house.

• Breakfast: bright breakfast area that overlooks the beautiful backyard.  TRANSLATION: don't look up, else you'll see the $2 chandelier being held up with baling twine.

We've done a lot of work to resurrect what was quite possibly Cranberry Pennsylvania's ugliest home.  The first photo is of our Living Room... obviously the "before" picture is first, followed by our "after" pictures.

We LOVED the faux railing look around the walls (yack)...

I (Cade) picked out the color

Next is our kitchen.  Newly remodeled (the story for this one is pending... its gonna be a doozie), it was the saddest part of our little shack.

Kid Quotes - Ethan

Ethan had his desk at school moved closer to the front of the class... his attention span needs work.

Dad: "Is it working better-- having your desk at the front of the class?"
Ethan: "No... I have to sit next to this boy that is the worst kid in school.  He throws his crayons at his desk all the time."
Dad: "So?  What's else?"
Ethan: "When he goes to the bathroom, he drops his pants and underpants all the way to his feet.  Literally."
Dad: "Why is that bad?"
Ethan: "It distracts me.  Literally... all the way to the floor.  You can see his bum."

***

Dad: "So why are you having trouble with your attention at school?"
Ethan: "I don't know... I think I have a stress disorder."
Dad: "What does that mean?"
Ethan: "It means that my brain hasn't gotten into 'the zone' yet.  You know, some kids have their brains get in to the zone faster than me."

Dad: "When will your brain find 'the zone'?"
Ethan: "In 6 weeks.  Maybe 5."

Money

My wife took me out to eat yesterday in my first trip out of the house since the doctor found me too sick to go to work.  Ah, miserable week!  Though my coughing had died down a bit, I was still dizzy.  Yet, I had to get out of this house else I'd go crazy, too.

We decided on TGI Fridays.  Not our favorite place, but we hadn't been there in a while, and Michelle found a coupon to use-- 20% off.

We arrived at noon, on the dot, and got our table.  I got the burger, she got a "2 for $10" deal... which was a burger as well.

Our waitress turned out to be one of the dimmer bulbs in the restaurant.  Despite very slow service, forgetting half of our order, and an overall lack of "waitressing" on our table, we also ended up with someone's 50 bill.  I can see how this could happen in a crowded restaurant, but there were only 3 tables with people, and only 1 of those tables with enough people and food on it to qualify for $50.

We pointed it out to her and she gave us the correct bill... $21.  Michelle handed her the 20% off coupon, but when she got back with the adjusted bill, the price had increased from $21 to $23.

Pointing out to her, again, the obvious-- that a coupon generally means the bill goes down, not up-- she left again to correct it.  She came back with the bad news-- that the 20% only qualified for part of the meal (my burger), not the "2 for $10" thing.

We paid and, upon leaving, noticed that TGIs had a photo of a nude woman on the wall, down near the floor, as part of a photo collage of random things.  Yeah, totally nude.  Not leaving a chance unmet, Michelle told the door host, "You know, its inappropriate to have a picture of a naked lady when this is supposed to be a family restaurant".  The door host was a tattoo-covered, heavily pierced guy that only looked and smiled at Michelle, telling us "thanks for coming in" as his only response.

I'm generally concerned when simple matters of money get so easily confused with some people.  The restaurant was the second stop that day... the car mechanic (specifically, the state inspector) was first.

I've voiced my general dislike for this place and the profession in general in previous posts.  Without exception, whenever we take a car in for our yearly inspections, something is inevitably found that puts the inspection in jeopardy.  Last year, it was the brakes on my truck, and after the initial estimate of NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS, I was able to convince the guy that all I needed was a set of new brakes for the front wheels (which cut the bill in half), and I did not need the lifetime warrantied ceramic heavy duty brakes either... that the cheaper ones would work just fine (else, why are they selling them if they are so bad?).  The bill ended up around $200.

This year, the van went in first.  Picture this: a Toyota, only 60K miles, hardly a scratch on it.  Sure enough, they found something that kept them from passing inspection.

What is it this time, I wondered?  Blinker fluid?  A cracked Johnson Rod?  Leaking muffler bearings?  The flux capacitor?  What load of BULL CRAP are they going to dump on me this time?

The culprit: brakes, again.  AGAIN.  So, the estimates start... "we recommend servicing..."... "the best brakes are..." ... "...the manufacturer recommends...".  In the end, we were told that the cabin filter needed changed, some other filter needed changed, brakes needed replaced, etc.  Total price: $500.

In case you are keeping track, the initial estimates for 2 cars taken back to back to the inspector for a safety check totaled $1,400.

Of course, I cut through the bull (actually, Michelle did) and got that $500 down to $185.

Proof of my suspicion came when another customer-- from Ohio-- showed up.  The manager's response: "Ka-ching!  People from Ohio don't have the safety inspections that we have, so they always need something fixed to pass."  Uh-huh.

My truck's appointment was cancelled.  I'm now on the look-out for someone out there-- someone honest.  Honest mechanic... it might be hard, but I'm convinced there is someone out there with some integrity still intact.

I'm also convinced that even a brand new car wouldn't pass too many inspectors around here.  After all, how else will they recover from the hour-long inspection that should only cost something like $15?  What a scam.

Time Off

Its been a few weeks since I've posted anything.  Its not that I've run out of material... more so, it is because I've been living at work for the past few weeks, and to top off the experience, I came down with something next to pneumonia in the end.  I'm still trying to recover.

My work assigned me to a job that would have made a trip to the moon sound easier.  It was a struggle, and often I put in as many hours after noon on Friday as I put in during the week up to that point.  The stress was overwhelming and I believe the main cause of my flu onslaught, which hit me last Saturday, followed by a bout of bronchitis, which I've been battling all week.

So this past week, I've been home, laying low, coughing up my death-- or so it seemed.  I was in need of some time off of work, but this was not what I had in mind.

I'm on the last pill of an antibiotic regiment.  Then, with luck, I'll be back to work tomorrow, assuming my job hasn't been turned over to someone else.

Three Out, Two Home

September 7th... the first day of school for students in the Seneca Valley School District.

It is also the first day of school for Preston-- the newest kindergartner in our family.  What started out to be a good day ended badly.

Rewind 3 weeks...

I began telling Ethan 3 weeks ago that Preston would be riding the bus home with him (Preston has afternoon kindergarten), so his job was to watch for him, make sure he was on the bus, and then make sure he got off the bus.  Three weeks, every day (almost), I gave him the same speech... to the point that Ethan wouldn't listen anymore.

Parallel to this, we had been talking up kindergarten to Preston to keep him interested.  Rowan Elementary is great, the teachers are great, kindergarten is great, yada-yada-yada.  I think it worked... Preston was excited for his first day of school, and even when we dropped him off for his big day, he was smiling and never looked back.

Y'all know how I felt... see previous posts.  I was not hip on him starting kindergarten.  I just felt he was still that same little toddler in pull-ups that I've known him to be.

But, the day started out without too many hitches.

Fast forward to 3:30PM this afternoon.  Michelle and kids wait for Ethan and Preston to get off the bus from the first day of school.  Ethan gets off.  Other kids get off.  Suddenly, the door closes and the bus takes off.

No Preston.

"Ethan, where is Preston?"  *Deer in the headlights stare*

Oddly, Luke-- who is Preston's best friend, our next-door neighbor, and his new classmate, didn't get off the bus either.

Frantic, Michelle calls the school.

School: "We'll look into it and get back to you."  Yeah, this was their response, like we lost our luggage or something.

So, getting more frantic, Michelle calls the bus depot.

In the middle of this, Luke's mom is frantically searching for him, too, and she got mad enough at the school's lackluster response that she actually called the cops.  Really.

Not to be left out of the ordeal, I'm sitting in an important meeting at work when I get a text message that read something like this: "Preston didn't get off the bus.  Don't know where he is!"

For forty minutes, the school and the bus depot didn't know where Preston and Luke were.  Isn't that nice?  Their first day of school, and the school loses my kid.

Finally, they were located on bus 202, bouncing through Seven Fields... not 278, which is the bus they were supposed to get on.

I realize with that many kids, this organization can be awkward on the first day.  However, this is (or so I thought) the reason why every kindergartner had a huge plastic ID card swinging from their necks with their name, address, bus stop, and bus number written on it in big, black letters!  How many kids can be lost while still claiming it to be a successful day?  One?  Two?  Five?  Their response implied, "Yeah, okay, we have your information down.  We lose kids all the time.  Once we find the others that are ahead of you on the list, we'll look into it and give you a call."

Michelle arrived at the school (which had also welcomed the Cranberry Police Department, thanks to our neighbor) and waited for the bus to show up with the two missing 5-year-olds.  Visibly shaken, Michelle and Luke's mom grab them and take them home, but not before the principal-- DOCTOR Giancola-- came out of the school to ask the boys, "Why did you get on the wrong bus?"  The teachers did their best to scramble and misdirect questions, as if to claim that it wasn't their fault that these boys got on the wrong bus...

Yours truly-- me-- decided to give DOCTOR Giancola a phone call.  My blood was squirting out of my eyes at that point and I was in no mood for pleasantries.  Unfortunately, I had to leave a message... and I did.  I cannot recall what I said, but I'm pretty sure its content will get me on the US Homeland Security's "Watch List".

I then emailed him and I really let him have it.  I held nothing back.  My 5 year old, on his first day of kindergarten, gets lost by your school!  I have no confidence in you or your school's ability to watch and care for my kids!  Don't feed me full of any crap that implies it was chaotic day and things like this happens, but not to worry because they were safe (even though we had no idea where they were)!  How dare you put blame on two 5-year-old first-day kindergartners for getting on the wrong bus when you and your parade of teachers couldn't read the big black letters on their swinging ID badges!  I tell ya... it wasn't a pretty email.

I closed it to say that I wanted to know what went wrong and what DOCTOR Giancola was going to do to make sure it didn't happen again, else I would get the help from the district superintendent.  So far, all he has committed to do is find out what went wrong and let me know, but he did reassure me that it wouldn't happen again (yeah, I replied, because unless he can restore my confidence-- and quickly-- there won't be another Jensen at Rowan Elementary school for me to worry about it happening to again).  His final reply was to tell me that he, personally, would walk Preston to the bus every day until we meet to discuss.

I mean, I know I overreacted, but-- my kindergartner?  On his first day?  Forty minutes of waiting for the school and the bus drivers to find two little kindergartners?  How did I know that they didn't get dropped off on the wrong stop, and they are sitting somewhere in Butler County?  Or, worse, that they just didn't get into someone's car?

So, the battle has just started-- DAY ONE of school.  I usually get the first month passed before I start butting heads with school people.  This is a record for me.

All kids are home now and accounted for.  Preston said he wasn't scared-- personally, I think that if Luke hadn't been there, he would have been more scared than he was.

In the mean time, Rowan is in the cross-hairs for losing my kid.

We did get photos of their first day, though... incidentally, Amberlee thought she was going to school, too, so she had her backpack on and was ready to go.  Chrissa leaves for school so early that we'll have to get photos for her second or third day...  TBD.

On top of that, Costco screwed up our pizza order, and I chewed out a repeat solicitor on my cell phone who called me twice within 10 minutes of each other.

What $4,000 Can Buy

Chrissa's days with braces are over.  She had them removed about a month ago.  She ends up with a great smile, and I end up with the $4,000 bill.  Sounds like a fair trade-- the dentist gets to pay off his car, Chrissa gets to look like the next movie star, and I get to fork over handfuls of money (which will continue till Christmas, mind you) to make it all happen.

No more snaggle-tooth, brace-face, metal-mouth, tinsel teeth, chainsaw lips, "dum dum who can't chew gum gum", tin grin, zipper lips, or magnet mouth.

NOTE: I did not call her any of these... OK, maybe snaggle-tooth and brace-face, but that is IT.

Anyway, here she is----------- the future Miss America, Chrissa Boice - Jensen!

The Summer of '11

With great sadness, I announce the passing of the Summer of 2011.  *sniff*

Its almost criminal how fast the summer has gone.  Though Michelle will undoubtedly disagree with me-- having put up with 4 kids since mid June without killing or selling any of them-- I cannot believe that, starting this Wednesday, our kids will be back in school and another summer in the Jensen family will pass into history.

Chrissa will be in High School.  Yeah, HIGH SCHOOL.  Wasn't it just a year or two ago that we were walking her to kindergarten at Iona Elementary?

Ethan will be in the 3rd grade.  He was lucky enough to get Mrs. Hester's class, who we have heard is a really good teacher.  I guess we'll find out if the rumors are true.

Preston-- my little Preston-- enters kindergarten.  Mrs. Follett will be taking over his afternoons now.

I can handle Chrissa in High School and Ethan in 3rd grade.  I cannot handle Preston in kindergarten.  Seems like yesterday that he was running around in diapers holding everyone hostage with his double-barrel shotgun (toy, of course).

Its Preston's entry into school that has me so down right now.  Its impossible to believe that he has been with us for 5 years and is ready to enter public education.  So I guess that means we have had 5 years to train him and teach him, and public education has the next 13 years to ruin it all.

To make this part of my life even harder to take, the leaves on the trees in Cranberry Township, Pennsylvania are starting to turn colors.  Slowly, from the tops of the trees, one can easily see the green turning into reds and yellows.  I'm half tempted to climb the trees in our own yard to spray paint the leaves green again, hoping to slow time down a bit.

The summer is over, though, and no amount of paint will change it.  We had some good times-- trips to New York, Washington DC with "Little Lisa", and quick day trips to other parts of New England.  We had concerts and baseball games.  We enjoyed movies in the park and evenings on the deck watching the lightning bugs.  We had some not-so-good times, too.  Dare I say Memorial Day in Arlington National Cemetery?  Recall that the day was 105-degrees in the shade, and the only good thing about it was the fact that if we were to actually die from the heat, it would have been a short trip to a suitable grave site.

Anyhow, back to the books, I suppose.  This year hinges upon success in 10th grade Algebra 2 and Chemistry.  Stand by for updates to those... I'm certain they'll be "informational".  In the mean time, I'll go back to relishing the couple of remaining years until our last child takes the monumental step into kindergarten.  At that point, I'll become completely insane and likely forced into aggressive therapy and involuntarily medicated.