School Photos

I believe we have the cutest kids around.  Sorry, y'all.  Its true.  Below are Ethan and Preston's school photos.  We are still waiting on Chrissa's.

3rd Grade

Kindergarten

My Unknown - and Surprising - Family Tree

Chrissa's latest school assignment is to develop and share her personal family tree.  These are always a bit unsettling to me because, first, it exposes some interesting characters in the family, and second... we all come from Utah and Idaho... which, by itself, can either result in a family tree that looks like a stick, or a family tree that looks more like a bowl of spaghetti.  Fortunately, our's is fairly normal looking, but in the back of my mind, I worry that someone will come out of the woodworks and claim something that will totally destroy the family tree, revealing that somehow I'm my own uncle or something.

Chrissa's rendition had some added notes of interest, however,  A quick glance at it would not reveal much; however, upon close scrutiny, I learned a lot about my background that I didn't know.

1. My paternal grandma's name was Louis Warton (not Lois Norton).  She was born in 1935 and died in 1974... at the ripe old age of 39.  She actually died 8 or 9 years ago at a much older age.
2. My paternal grandpa died in 1963 at the age of 33.  He actually died 15 years or so ago... again, at a much older age.
3. My maternal grandma died at the age of 45 in 1968 (incidentally, she is still alive... sorry, Grandma!).
4. My maternal grandpa died at the age of 45... 33 years ago.  He actually died about 2 years ago.
5. Michelle's side had similar death dates (the 60s must have been a bad decade for the Jensen - Humpherys clans).
6. Michelle's paternal grandmother was born in 1928 and died in 1936... at the age of 8.  What is really striking is that she got married and died during that short time on earth, then gave birth to Carl (Michelle's dad) in 1951... 15 years after the poor old lady kicked the bucket, and 4 years after the real birth actually happened.  And, incidentally, she's still alive, too (again, sorry Grandma!)

So, the moral of the story is this: do not let a teen write a school paper without proofreading it.  Once the origins of your family start to outcompete the miraculous events of the Nativity, your story starts to lose credibility. 

We are an amazing family, but this is a bit much.

Degrees of Madness

The 2010 Best Colleges survey came out today.  To add credence to my intellectual history, I searched the list of 610 colleges and universities for Idaho State University.

I never found it.

Incidentally, the following colleges beat ISU: Coastal Carolina University (#610); Christian Brothers University (#543), and “New School” (#455), which seems to be a school so new that they didn’t even have a name (and probably didn’t have students, either) by the time the survey was completed.  When a college is so new that it lacks a name yet still beats the school you had devoted years of your life and wealth to attend, it puts a sizeable dent in your self-image and confidence.  It’s like losing a basketball game to a toddler from the stands.

Since ISU didn't make the list, I cannot say for certain if it did or would have beaten these following fine institutions: Cortez Business College (Washington DC); College of St. Gertrude (Cottonwood, Idaho); The Second Nature School of Taxidermy (Bonner, MT); The Maher School of Ventriloquism (Littleton, CO); The Trapeze Aerial Circus School of Battleboro Vermont (Battleboro, VT), or The Elmer Fudd School of Performing Arts (Los Angeles, CA).  Incidentally, the former two colleges have long since gone out of business.  The taxidermy school still exists.  The ventriloquist and trapeze schools are real.  I made up Elmer Fudd.

Where does that leave me?  Well, in a nutshell… it leaves me speechless.

You see, I was a devout ISU’er for 4.5 years earning my B.S. degree (and the initials “BS” really do stand for more than Bachelor of Science, if you catch my drift), then another 2.5 years earning my M.S. degree.  This kind of participation doesn’t come cheap.  All told, I spent enough money at that university that, in theory, it should be renamed The Cade Jensen State University of Idaho, or something similar.  But, now that I see it didn’t even fare well in a list of 610 colleges across the US, I’m a bit embarrassed to even mention that idea.

I did spend an additional 2.5 years earning my second M.S. degree from the University of Idaho.  Surely, that school would make the list.  And, It WAS on the list, thank goodness.

All told, I spent the money equivalent of a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath house on a half acre plot of land to earn three pieces of paper from universities, half of which didn’t even rank in a list of 600+.  Ouch.

And so I now look upon those degrees with a bit of skepticism.  Was I duped?  Are they any more valuable than the paper they were printed on?  If you can’t make a list of 600, then you might find cause to determine that you are in the wrong profession.  Likewise, if you get smoked on the football field, its best to lie down and fake an injury before the shock of the events turn away from the amazing play back to you—the person that let it happen.  Time for ISU to fake an injury.

It all appears that I could have attended the Albion State Normal School and gotten just as much out of it.  Side note: I’m surprised that a school would have to put the word “Normal” in its title, as if to say, “Hey, we might be in Albion Idaho, but honestly… we are normal.”  Seriously, they could have called it the “Albion State Crazy School” and I wouldn’t have been more surprised.  But, I have since learned that the word “normal” in a school title isn’t to announce the students’ or faculty’s’ mental stability; rather, it was meant to signify a school that teaches students to become teachers—which is why their school mascot was a “teacher”, believe it or not.  The only other “normal” school to be established in Idaho was Lewis-Clark State College, which still exists.

But I digress…

Yes, I could have attended Albion and earned just as high marks on the 2010 Best Colleges in America survey as I did going to ISU.  Despite Albion being an abandoned, dilapidated institution at the time I attended ISU, I would have at least gotten a discount on tuition and board.  I’m sure the food would have tasted the same.  And, I would have gotten just as many dates.  I have to give them some credit, though.  Missing a list of 610 takes a special effort that can’t come easy.  Bravo, ISU. 

So… is this grounds for a lawsuit?  Can I claim “false advertising” and get my money back?  To date, they still claim things like this: “Idaho State University faculty and students are leading the way in cutting-edge research and innovative solutions in the areas of energy, health professions, nuclear research, teaching, humanities, engineering, performing and visual arts, technology, biological sciences, pharmacy and business. Idaho State University combines exceptional academics amidst the grand natural beauty of the West.”  And, after all, they have recently determined that “female moose moans provoke bull fights” in a research project that was just completed… thus further supporting their cutting-edge research and innovative solutions slogan.  Yeah.

Anyhow, as you can tell, I’m a bit miffed.  However, on I go, but I’m already trying to figure out how I can swap the title “Idaho State University” on my degrees using Photoshop to replace it with the title “Swarthmore College”… #7 on the list and the highest ranking college in Pennsylvania.

I wonder if ISU will now add to their website the following claim of credibility: “Hey, y’all… we didn’t even make it in the top 610 schools in the USA.  But, shoot, don’t worry… we got your cow moose research goin’ on right here.”

School's Out For Summer

As Alice Cooper so eloquently stated:

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Out for summer
Out till fall
We might not go back at all

School's out forever
School's out for summer
School's out with fever
School's out completely 

So what has the evil mom and pop done to combat this belief?  Well... HOMEWORK, of course.

This summer, the kids will be spending a couple hours each day working in math and science workbooks that we bought for them.  BWAAA-HAHAHAH!

As for me, I'll be working extra hours this summer.  I don't want to intrude on Michelle's homeschooling efforts, after all.

To Catch A Teenager

Today is January 31st, 2011. It is also the first day of the new semester for kids attending the Seneca Valley School District here in western Pennsylvania.

This morning, the alarm goes off at 5:50AM so that Michelle or I can run Chrissa to the designated meeting spot for transport to early morning seminary. Instead, Chrissa walks in and, in a very groaning voice, says, “Mom… I don’t feel very good. My stomach is queasy.” Michelle: “OK, call the driver for seminary and tell them you won’t be going.”

JUST LIKE THAT.

My eyes had to be on fire before my parents would believe a statement like that.

So, Chrissa stays home, and I leave for work.

Michelle had plans to go to Ohio today with Sherry, a lady from our ward, to pick up some stuff. Naturally, she took Ambie and Preston with her, especially since Chrissa was home being sick.

At noon, I come home from work, as I usually do, to have some lunch. As I open the door to the house from inside the garage (remember… our “basement” is actually at ground level, so our first floor would be above me at that location), I hear some feet running across the wood floor—very quietly—and disappear at the stairs that lead to the top floor.

I’m fairly confident at that point that it is not a burglar or Jack the Ripper or even a really big rat. I’m certain that it is our teenager—equally menacing as these others, however.

So, I go up to the main floor and, seeing no one there, continue up the stairs to the top floor and Chrissa’s bedroom. Sure enough, there she is, in bed and blankets, with eyes closed and mouth wide open making labored-breathing sounds, trying to show that she is in deep sleep.

Hmmm. She is either faking it, or Jack the Ripper made a quick exit from the house the moment I walked in.  I guess it could be a ghost, too.

Me: “Chrissa.”
Chrissa: zzzzzzzzzz
Me: “Chrissa!”

Chrissa, opening her eyes as if being awaken from a coma: “Y-y-yeahhh?”

Me: “Who just ran through the kitchen a minute ago?”
Chrissa: “Huh? I don’t know.”
Me: “Chrissa!!”
Chrissa: “It wasn’t me!”

Me: “Who was it, then, the One-Armed Man?”

My innate sense of teenage body language interpretation told me that there was more to this story than she was letting on.

Her mouth begins to pucker and, trying to hold back the smile, says, “OK, it was me, but I was just trying to get something to eat because I haven’t eaten anything today.”

Me: “Then why try to hide? What is going on at school today?”

Chrissa, after much thought, finally confesses that today is the first day of the semester—new teachers, new classes, etc. She was just too nervous to go, though she stays firm on her statement that she was feeling sick.  So, seeing she’s not as sick as she had been, and considering the fact that she had been on the computer and eating regular food, I tell her to get ready and I’d take her to school.

Skreeeeetch! “Oh dad, my stomach is feeling queasy again…” *Cough, cough*.

Uh-huh, sure. I asked her if any of her new classes included Drama. When she said “no”, I said, “Good… you wouldn’t get a very good grade for your acting skills.”

School Madness

Its no surprise that with the start of the new school year, the kids bring home all kinds of paraphernalia aimed at raising funds for their schools. Ethan just brought home a fundraising kit where kids go door-to-door to sell magazines, and I expect the usual cookies, sub sandwiches, candy bars, and who-knows-what-else to come knocking at our door.

Sometimes, it isn't even a kid in our school district. Somewhere, each year, someone feels it is appropriate to send their kid to another school district to raise funds. How about that!

I have a plethora of problems with the school fundraising efforts. My view is that as long as it is permissible for kids to work by going door-to-door to try to convince grown ups to throw money at them without anything of value in return, why not make it permissible to allow grown ups to ask for work to be done by these kids around the house? You know, its reintroducing the whole "work for money" idea that these kids should be learning anyway.

You want me to give you money? How about in return you pull the weeds in my flowerbeds? Trim my lawn? Wash the car? Honestly, the last thing I need is a $3 candy bar, a bullet-hard submarine sandwich, or a year's subscription to Good Housekeeping magazine.

I don't have an issue with helping organizations raise funds, like the Girl Scouts or a Little League team or some health organization. Boy Scouts... another issue. Those boys should be working, like I had to do when I needed money for scouting activities. I'm a Scrooge, I know, but I cannot understand why the Boy Scouts are being trained to knock on doors with their hands open instead of grabbing a shovel for some cash.

So when Ethan showed us the magazine fundraising kit, I about blew my top. Thankfully, Michelle blew hers first and beat me to the punch. Poor Ethan, all he wanted was to be the biggest fundraiser and earn his class that pizza party.

The problem is that we spend roughly $5,000 per year in school taxes for our local school district. That's a lot. Pennsylvania lies about in the middle of the 50 states, but still, when you figure all those who live in this area that do not have kids, it translates into something like $9-10K per student, maybe more.

And the schools still need to raise funds? Wow! Based on the quality of school lunches, the books, and so forth, they aren't spending that money on the kids. Besides, we're still being asked to supply things like Kleenex boxes, crayons, snacks, etc.

Don't get me wrong... I think our local schools here are pretty good. I just don't want them to think that the money spigot at the Jensen house is always "on". You get your tax money from me, which is a lot, so go do your best with what you have. I have to! The greedy buggers...

To think about it, I'm not surprised at all that the one class I felt the school would teach-- personal finance-- isn't being taught. There is no one in the school district qualified to teach it. I'm sure even if they did, the curriculum would be centered around "how to squeeze more money out of your friends, family, and relatives".

So the year starts again, and with it, all the requests for hand-outs. A school club going on some huge trip; some sports team playing in a national tournament; the PTA needing money to put on little puppet shows. Its a constant turnaround of people with their hands out, wanting me to drop a $20 into it.

Arrgh, its aggravating. I think upon those old shows, like Little House on the Prairie or something, where the kids came to school with a bucket for a lunch box, they all sat on benches with tables, they had few books, one teacher, and a simple chalkboard. Are we any smarter today? I'd like to think so, but just the other day I was helping Chrissa with her math, and then I have to really wonder.

School Days Are Back!

It is with great pride and pleasure that I announce the return of our kids to all things academic (school). Ethan is now in second grade and Chrissa is now a freshman in high school. Wa-hoo! We are all thrilled.  The Seneca Valley School District opened their doors this past Thursday, Sept 2nd, to allow us parents to offload our kids without going through the guilt of orphanages.

Out comes the Advil for me. Tutoring starts soon, I'm sure, with Geometry and Biology coming down the pipe. Just thinking about it makes my blood pressure rise.

I'll be honest... convincing my teenager that you really can do the math "X + Y" is nothing compared to what I face in Geometry: the Pythagorean Theorum, volume of a pyramid, surface area of a sphere, polygons, congruent angles, pi, corollaries, quadratic equations, etc.

And in biology: the Kreb's Cycle, electron chain transfer, evolution, deoxyribonucleic acids, protozoans, adenosine triphosphate, cell theory, and so forth.

Oh. I'm sick.

The deal with tutoring is-- she gets all the tutoring she needs, and in return, I don't get the teenage "death glare" when I ask her to do the dishes.  Chrissa has perfected the "death glare" to a level that would make Darth Vader jealous.  This arrangement has semi-worked so far, but I'm beginning to feel that I'm getting scammed. 

But, overall, I guess it could be worse.