The 2010 Best Colleges survey came out today. To add credence to my intellectual history, I searched the list of 610 colleges and universities for Idaho State University.
I never found it.
Incidentally, the following colleges beat ISU: Coastal Carolina University (#610); Christian Brothers University (#543), and “New School” (#455), which seems to be a school so new that they didn’t even have a name (and probably didn’t have students, either) by the time the survey was completed. When a college is so new that it lacks a name yet still beats the school you had devoted years of your life and wealth to attend, it puts a sizeable dent in your self-image and confidence. It’s like losing a basketball game to a toddler from the stands.
Since ISU didn't make the list, I cannot say for certain if it did or would have beaten these following fine institutions: Cortez Business College (Washington DC); College of St. Gertrude (Cottonwood, Idaho); The Second Nature School of Taxidermy (Bonner, MT); The Maher School of Ventriloquism (Littleton, CO); The Trapeze Aerial Circus School of Battleboro Vermont (Battleboro, VT), or The Elmer Fudd School of Performing Arts (Los Angeles, CA). Incidentally, the former two colleges have long since gone out of business. The taxidermy school still exists. The ventriloquist and trapeze schools are real. I made up Elmer Fudd.
Where does that leave me? Well, in a nutshell… it leaves me speechless.
You see, I was a devout ISU’er for 4.5 years earning my B.S. degree (and the initials “BS” really do stand for more than Bachelor of Science, if you catch my drift), then another 2.5 years earning my M.S. degree. This kind of participation doesn’t come cheap. All told, I spent enough money at that university that, in theory, it should be renamed The Cade Jensen State University of Idaho, or something similar. But, now that I see it didn’t even fare well in a list of 610 colleges across the US, I’m a bit embarrassed to even mention that idea.
I did spend an additional 2.5 years earning my second M.S. degree from the University of Idaho. Surely, that school would make the list. And, It WAS on the list, thank goodness.
All told, I spent the money equivalent of a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath house on a half acre plot of land to earn three pieces of paper from universities, half of which didn’t even rank in a list of 600+. Ouch.
And so I now look upon those degrees with a bit of skepticism. Was I duped? Are they any more valuable than the paper they were printed on? If you can’t make a list of 600, then you might find cause to determine that you are in the wrong profession. Likewise, if you get smoked on the football field, its best to lie down and fake an injury before the shock of the events turn away from the amazing play back to you—the person that let it happen. Time for ISU to fake an injury.
It all appears that I could have attended the Albion State Normal School and gotten just as much out of it. Side note: I’m surprised that a school would have to put the word “Normal” in its title, as if to say, “Hey, we might be in Albion Idaho, but honestly… we are normal.” Seriously, they could have called it the “Albion State Crazy School” and I wouldn’t have been more surprised. But, I have since learned that the word “normal” in a school title isn’t to announce the students’ or faculty’s’ mental stability; rather, it was meant to signify a school that teaches students to become teachers—which is why their school mascot was a “teacher”, believe it or not. The only other “normal” school to be established in Idaho was Lewis-Clark State College, which still exists.
But I digress…
Yes, I could have attended Albion and earned just as high marks on the 2010 Best Colleges in America survey as I did going to ISU. Despite Albion being an abandoned, dilapidated institution at the time I attended ISU, I would have at least gotten a discount on tuition and board. I’m sure the food would have tasted the same. And, I would have gotten just as many dates. I have to give them some credit, though. Missing a list of 610 takes a special effort that can’t come easy. Bravo, ISU.
So… is this grounds for a lawsuit? Can I claim “false advertising” and get my money back? To date, they still claim things like this: “Idaho State University faculty and students are leading the way in cutting-edge research and innovative solutions in the areas of energy, health professions, nuclear research, teaching, humanities, engineering, performing and visual arts, technology, biological sciences, pharmacy and business. Idaho State University combines exceptional academics amidst the grand natural beauty of the West.” And, after all, they have recently determined that “female moose moans provoke bull fights” in a research project that was just completed… thus further supporting their cutting-edge research and innovative solutions slogan. Yeah.
Anyhow, as you can tell, I’m a bit miffed. However, on I go, but I’m already trying to figure out how I can swap the title “Idaho State University” on my degrees using Photoshop to replace it with the title “Swarthmore College”… #7 on the list and the highest ranking college in Pennsylvania.
I wonder if ISU will now add to their website the following claim of credibility: “Hey, y’all… we didn’t even make it in the top 610 schools in the USA. But, shoot, don’t worry… we got your cow moose research goin’ on right here.”
