August is fair time, so I got on the internet to see if the Cassia County Fair and Rodeo had a website, just to see what was going on. To all those non-Idahoans, this is the Burley Idaho fair... the fair I attended on a routine basis from birth through age 18.
I don't recall much changing during that time. I'm almost sure that if I were to go there today, I'd run into the same people standing or working in the same spots as they were 17 years ago. The only exception is my grandma's quilts, which would still win if they were entered today. Those other blue-haired ladies couldn't hold a candle to Grandma Lois' work.
Anyhow, I was surprised to see a Cassia County Fair and Rodeo website. It was simple, but nice. Didn't contain a lot of information, but what it did contain was ripe for comment.
I never had anything to enter into any of the fair contests. My only contribution to the fair were the 3 or 4 benches sitting out front that I made for my Eagle Scout award. Not sure they are still there, but for a few years, they graced the biggest butts that the Cassia County Fair could produce. Thank goodness we used 2X6 construction on them!
So, as I looked through the website, I came across the entry rules for being a Rodeo Queen. I read through them. Some of them caught me by surprise.
1. The queen must be 16-23 years old.
2. The queen must live in Cassia County OR attend school in Cassia County (this opens up the contest to all living Mexicans, by the way).
3. The queen must abide by all the rules.
4. The queen must have never been married or had a child, which is ironic considering a "queen" is, technically, a woman married to a king.
5. The queen must dress a certain way-- it varies from even to event, but there are no-no's, such as see-through material, hip huggers, or carpenter style pants. Encouraged attire include colored Wranglers and as many sequins, fringe, rhinestones, leather, and embroidery as you can possibly dare to fit on.
6. The queen must successfully "model, answer questions, and be able to introduce parents and guests" (that last one must have been included as a means to weed out the really dumb contestants).
7. The queen must be able to ride her horse "in a reigning pattern for the first go-around, a mock serpentine ride for the second go-around, and then to 'buzz the arena' because 'if you are chosen queen, that's what they do when they are announced-- buzz the arena'".
8. The queen must be able to "mount and dismount" at least once during the horse ride.
9. The queen must interview with the judges.
10. The queen must attend all the events asked of her.
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| Wrong use of the term "bareback riding". |
All of the rules are reinforced with a couple of warnings: "Even though the western style changes from year to year at no time do we want our contestants to look unlady-like" (which to me is an odd things to say because I don't consider red Wranglers, blue Cowboy boots, and a rhinestone-covered shirt with a dinner plate-sized belt buckle to be very lady-like to begin with), and "if at any time the Cassia County Fair Board witnesses any actions of the Queen contestants that are not lady like, they will have the right to bring the contestant before the board for any reprimand or disqualification."
In other words, watch your toes and keep your horse in check. My old horse Bandit would have never made it as a Rodeo Queen stallion.
But, sadly, I also became aware of FRAUD going on within the CCFR Queen Contest, the magnitude of which has never before been seen within the fences of the Cassia County Fair since the sugar-beet-switcheroo controversy of 1989 that caused a previously unknown participant to win BLUE, surpassing the crowd favorite. And, I'm also not sure how high the conspiracy goes-- maybe to the top of the Fair Board, for all I know. The current queen, in her bio, thanked a Mrs. Marijane Jolley for her coaching and instruction in becoming the current rodeo queen. Coincidentally, I'm sure, the chairwoman of the CCFR Queen Contest is-- MARIJANE JOLLEY! My money is on the fact that Ms. Jolley bribed, coersed, and threatened judges to win the competition for her protege-- or, Ms. Jolley was the only judge, and the current queen was the only contestant. Not sure which.
Thanks to insiders that I placed within the Fairgrounds, I understand that attendance to the fair has been sagging in recent years. I can opine on the causes-- but I'll save that for someone who cares. Instead, I offer my advice for increasing future attendance.
1. Change the CCFR Queen Competition to the CCFR Drag Queen Competition. The same rules will apply-- the need to wear dresses, barrel race, sequins and rhinestones, etc.
2. Instead of steers and bulls for the rodeo, provide the cowboys with steers and bulls that suffer from Mad Cow disease. Lets see if they can hang on while the cows spend their time bouncing around on their own heads.
3. Let the Cassia County Sheriff's Posse do their halftime show blindfolded-- heck, doing so might actually prevent them from running into each other while doing the figure-8 routine, which has sadly been a yearly spectacle for as long as I can remember.
4. Pay "streakers" to run the rodeo arena from time to time-- before, during, and/or after rodeo events.
5. Instead of team roping, do Mexican roping. This means replacing the cows with illegal aliens (and don't tell me that Burley doesn't have any), and replacing the cowboys with INS agents. Only ropes are allowed, but if the illegals make it to the other end without getting roped and hog-tied, they win amnesty.
6. Replace the rodeo clowns with members of the city council. This should be a smooth transition, as both are clown school graduates. And, both are used to serving a lot of bull crap.
7. Toss the fair food out and replace it with something that can actually be eaten and digested, preferably in that order.
8. Suddenly decide to change exhibit competition based on professionalism and appearance to winners for the ugliest submittal, worst tasting food, smallest and most pithetic vegetables/fruits, etc.
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| "Hey Bull rider-- you're doing it wrong!" |
9. Force all belt buckle winners from all competitions to meet for one final round of WWE style "defend the buckle" bash where they face off with their former competitors in an all-out brawl, winner take all event.
10. Require that all cowboys inside and outside of the rodeo replace their boots and spurs with roller skates.
11. For the BBQ vendors, require that their signs include the words, "Please try last night's Swine Competition winner today-- fresh off the fire!"
12. Add "chicken showmanship" to the list of animal competitions.
13. Do away with the pre-fair parade and replace it with an unannounced Pamplona-style "Running of the Bulls" event down Overland Avenue and Main Street.
14. Instead of the Tractor Pull, have a Hair Pull, which would be part of the CCFR Rodeo Queen Competition. Points are awarded based on the distance one contestant can pull another contestant by the hair across the rodeo arena.
15. Add true Spanish-style bull fighting to the rodeo events. In fact, add this event and cancel all the others.
